Two Things

First, I am returning to the Gates. I'll be back for my first shift Sunday the 3rd of August, and I'm so excited! There will definitely be pedicures and pampering on the 2nd in preparation.

I have had my much needed break, removed myself from a hellish (and rather soap opera-ish) living situation. I'll tell you all about it later - it involved conservative christians, post-op trannies, threats against cats (by the way, you threaten my cats, I hurt you - understood?), foolish engagements doomed to failure, lost friendships... lordy, the list goes on. It's actually a pretty standard story of a bad relationship, friends trying to say something but instead getting discarded, and a pell mell rush to the wedding bell. It's just when you combine the conservative and clueless christian with the deceitful post-op tranny that it goes beyond the standard.

There is something very empowering in getting out of such a situation and realizing that none of the drama is mine. I was just the witness. Well, and one of the friends who tried to say something. And now, no longer the roommate watching from the trenches.

So, yes. I'm coming home to the place that soothes my heart. Back to the Gates. I am distinctly on the domming side these days, although, as per my last entry, I do sometimes seriously need a good sub session. What this means is that I will be very picky about sub sessions, those times I'm in the mood to take them. If you want to top me, best to email me first and make sure we mesh. I am very particular about my preferences these days.

In other news, I am still writing articles for the kindly folks over at alt.com. My second article went live within the last week. I'll put up some teaser text here soon. But, if you go over there and poke around, you should be able to find it.

Feeling on edge, and then...

And then I realize what I need.

I need pain. I need subtlety. Artistry.

I need the endorphin rush that comes with the cane. Or the knife. I need the pain of muscles stretched too far, too long. I need to be hurt, to relax into it without worry for my overall health, for the ability to walk painlessly and unmarked (at least, where it matters) tomorrow.

I need the freedom of sub space. It is one of the two places where worry lifts, where the voices in my mind quiet and relax. It's where guilt lets go, tomorrow isn't an issue.

After the pain, I'm clean. And it's not about the expiation of guilt or sins, really, though that has a nice poetry to it. It's about the endorphin rush at last - the clean, clear, pure endorphin rush that comes and then goes. Leaving you in its wake and answering the call of stress. The original need. To flee or fight, and resolve in either death or survival.

Modern stress doesn't work that way. It isn't flight from an immediate threat. In fact, you can't flee, because the modern causes of stress are so abstract. Debt. Relationships. There is no conclusive ending where you've died or survived. These stresses go on.

But with a sub session.... you get the intensity of the actual flight, and the stress ends.

Oh, sure, the original source of stress didn't go away. Debt is still there. Roommates with sucky girlfriends still exist. But the intensity of the session overtakes the original source of stress, suborns it. It becomes more immediate. And when the session ends, the stress you had before, that it stole for it's own intensity, slips away, too. And you're spent. And clean.

I need a good sub session.