Monday, April 21, 2008
Updated Linkage
The old Gates webpage seems to be no more. We're at a new domain. Here's my profile, with the updated text and pics.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
My updated profile is up at the Gates now. Go take a look. (This really shouldn't require saying, but that link is NSFW).
Friday, April 11, 2008
Fears of Being Dominant
One of the reasons I've always been a sub, never really switched or dommed, is this: I like hurting people.
Huh? you're saying, isn't that reason to be a domme?
It is, and it isn't. Part of it is an issue of self trust. Part of it is an issue of social programming. Actually, that issue of social programming/conditioning is what's been at the root of the trust issue.
Joy in hurting people showed up pretty early for me. I remember playing some silly game with my mother, where I was an adult and she was a kid (I was under five, so this memory is vague) and I remember punishing her and telling her she was bad. I don't remember what I said, but it was apparently enough for her to stop the game and deliver a lesson on not being mean to other people. I remember feeling very ashamed.
That sort of thing happened throughout my childhood. And I remember my mother really disliking it, and feeling ashamed whenever she caught me out. The lesson she taught me was that only bad people hurt others. I think that somehow extended out to the way I viewed power, and the way I resisted having it. I would end up running some school group or event, and all the while protesting that I wasn't really in charge or didn't really have power. When, clearly, I did. And clearly, I relished it and was good at it (or else I wouldn't have continually been put in charge of things).
So I've denied my own interest in power and in dominating others. And in inflicting pain. Don't confuse domination with merely inflicting pain, by the way. The best dominants I've ever played with do a lot more than that. They also provide strength and protection: a sense of safety and reward.
Over the years, I think I've gotten a bit healthier in my relationship with power. I've had jobs where I've very much been in control and provided guidance and nurture. And discipline. But I think I've always erred on the side of being too nice as protection against that part of me that enjoys pain. So I accepted some parts of being dominant, but not all.
And it's funny, when you think about the fact that I am a submissive. That I've been working as a professional submissive for nearly a year. I don't think the people I've played with are bad people just because they want to hurt me or punish me. I've enjoyed that. Felt cleansed by it. Lord knows I've worked out a lot of my own fears and issues in the process of being a submissive, of finding an outlet. I'm grateful to the dominants who've helped me, who've worked with me in that time (remind me to tell you about one of my first doms and how I was able to handle family conflict after working with him).
With all that experience on the submissive side, it's funny that I'm still afraid of my dominant side. Or that I have been. It's changing, now. It's something I want to change.
Huh? you're saying, isn't that reason to be a domme?
It is, and it isn't. Part of it is an issue of self trust. Part of it is an issue of social programming. Actually, that issue of social programming/conditioning is what's been at the root of the trust issue.
Joy in hurting people showed up pretty early for me. I remember playing some silly game with my mother, where I was an adult and she was a kid (I was under five, so this memory is vague) and I remember punishing her and telling her she was bad. I don't remember what I said, but it was apparently enough for her to stop the game and deliver a lesson on not being mean to other people. I remember feeling very ashamed.
That sort of thing happened throughout my childhood. And I remember my mother really disliking it, and feeling ashamed whenever she caught me out. The lesson she taught me was that only bad people hurt others. I think that somehow extended out to the way I viewed power, and the way I resisted having it. I would end up running some school group or event, and all the while protesting that I wasn't really in charge or didn't really have power. When, clearly, I did. And clearly, I relished it and was good at it (or else I wouldn't have continually been put in charge of things).
So I've denied my own interest in power and in dominating others. And in inflicting pain. Don't confuse domination with merely inflicting pain, by the way. The best dominants I've ever played with do a lot more than that. They also provide strength and protection: a sense of safety and reward.
Over the years, I think I've gotten a bit healthier in my relationship with power. I've had jobs where I've very much been in control and provided guidance and nurture. And discipline. But I think I've always erred on the side of being too nice as protection against that part of me that enjoys pain. So I accepted some parts of being dominant, but not all.
And it's funny, when you think about the fact that I am a submissive. That I've been working as a professional submissive for nearly a year. I don't think the people I've played with are bad people just because they want to hurt me or punish me. I've enjoyed that. Felt cleansed by it. Lord knows I've worked out a lot of my own fears and issues in the process of being a submissive, of finding an outlet. I'm grateful to the dominants who've helped me, who've worked with me in that time (remind me to tell you about one of my first doms and how I was able to handle family conflict after working with him).
With all that experience on the submissive side, it's funny that I'm still afraid of my dominant side. Or that I have been. It's changing, now. It's something I want to change.
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