And then I realize what I need.
I need pain. I need subtlety. Artistry.
I need the endorphin rush that comes with the cane. Or the knife. I need the pain of muscles stretched too far, too long. I need to be hurt, to relax into it without worry for my overall health, for the ability to walk painlessly and unmarked (at least, where it matters) tomorrow.
I need the freedom of sub space. It is one of the two places where worry lifts, where the voices in my mind quiet and relax. It's where guilt lets go, tomorrow isn't an issue.
After the pain, I'm clean. And it's not about the expiation of guilt or sins, really, though that has a nice poetry to it. It's about the endorphin rush at last - the clean, clear, pure endorphin rush that comes and then goes. Leaving you in its wake and answering the call of stress. The original need. To flee or fight, and resolve in either death or survival.
Modern stress doesn't work that way. It isn't flight from an immediate threat. In fact, you can't flee, because the modern causes of stress are so abstract. Debt. Relationships. There is no conclusive ending where you've died or survived. These stresses go on.
But with a sub session.... you get the intensity of the actual flight, and the stress ends.
Oh, sure, the original source of stress didn't go away. Debt is still there. Roommates with sucky girlfriends still exist. But the intensity of the session overtakes the original source of stress, suborns it. It becomes more immediate. And when the session ends, the stress you had before, that it stole for it's own intensity, slips away, too. And you're spent. And clean.
I need a good sub session.
I need pain. I need subtlety. Artistry.
I need the endorphin rush that comes with the cane. Or the knife. I need the pain of muscles stretched too far, too long. I need to be hurt, to relax into it without worry for my overall health, for the ability to walk painlessly and unmarked (at least, where it matters) tomorrow.
I need the freedom of sub space. It is one of the two places where worry lifts, where the voices in my mind quiet and relax. It's where guilt lets go, tomorrow isn't an issue.
After the pain, I'm clean. And it's not about the expiation of guilt or sins, really, though that has a nice poetry to it. It's about the endorphin rush at last - the clean, clear, pure endorphin rush that comes and then goes. Leaving you in its wake and answering the call of stress. The original need. To flee or fight, and resolve in either death or survival.
Modern stress doesn't work that way. It isn't flight from an immediate threat. In fact, you can't flee, because the modern causes of stress are so abstract. Debt. Relationships. There is no conclusive ending where you've died or survived. These stresses go on.
But with a sub session.... you get the intensity of the actual flight, and the stress ends.
Oh, sure, the original source of stress didn't go away. Debt is still there. Roommates with sucky girlfriends still exist. But the intensity of the session overtakes the original source of stress, suborns it. It becomes more immediate. And when the session ends, the stress you had before, that it stole for it's own intensity, slips away, too. And you're spent. And clean.
I need a good sub session.
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